prove it.

Why don't I feel worthy?
Why do I feel like an utter failure?
Why do I beat myself up over and over again?
Why can't I believe in myself?


I've been depressed, I've been suicidal in the past...so I want to make it clear that these feelings have not arose. I'm still very happy to be alive and I'm in a better mental state than I've ever been before. I'm happier than I've ever been before. But I still don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like I don't deserve love or to be healthy, fit and happy. If someone would of told me that this battle with my weight would be more mental than physical I don't know if I would of chose to do it. But it's time for these demons to come out and for these demons to go away for good. I have had a losing battle with self-worth since I was nine years old.

I want to make it clear that I do not feel like my childhood was terrible. I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and love from a terrific mother and occasionally from my father. But the mental and emotional abuse I got from him is still a struggle I deal with 20 years after it started and 11 years after it ended. Eleven years ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it was also the first time I ever recall him telling me he loved me. Before that he told me he hated me, that he wished he never had me, told me I was a mistake, and I was called stupid on a daily basis. My friend Leslie has asked me several times where I get my strength, aka " my balls", from. Truth is by age eleven I realized that most kid's fathers didn't treat them the way I was treated, so I learned to stand up for myself. I stood up for myself because I knew he shouldn't of been treating me that way. I will say I was never beaten, he never even laid a finger on me. We did have moments where we got along, typically sitting in front of a tv in silence. This is why I say I don't feel like my life was bad, because it could of been much worse. But getting a daily dose of being told you're stupid and not worthy has caused much pain and been a mental battle for me for years.

I've been able to forgive him. I know that he was a good man, just not really a good dad. I can see the past in how he was raised and know where it came from. I realize that our parents are human beings doing the best they can do. I've been able to banish the bitter and hatred and anger I had towards him...so why can't I get rid of feeling I'm unworthy?

I told someone tonight that my fear I have through this weight loss journey is that I often think I am just doomed to be fat, and I will always be fat no matter what. But why? Why do I feel this way? I love the gym, I kick ass at the gym. And yes I struggle with my food addiction but I'm educated on what to do. So seriously what is holding me back? I'm holding myself back. My mind is holding me back. I have these thoughts on a daily basis...you're not worth it...You'll never be fit...Go eat whatever you want because you can't do this....You're not good enough. I am so sick of all the negativity!! I shouldn't give in to how my father felt about me. I want to learn to love myself. I want to learn to feel worthy.

Most importantly, I need to prove this to myself. Not my friends, not my family, not to any one but myself.