keep on keeping on.

It's very early Wednesday morning and realized I never posted how I did last week. And maybe I didn't because I didn't do too well. Though I need to remind myself that it is way more than I did a month ago.

M 21st- Milestone: Got my mile down from 19:40 minutes to 18:05 minutes!
55 minutes Cardio.
T 22nd- 50 minutes Cardio.
W 23rd- Skipped gym. 15 minutes dog walk.
TH 24th- Skipped gym. 27 minutes dog walk.
F 25th- Skipped gym. 20 minutes dog walk.
S 26th- 1 hour 17 minutes Cardio.
SU 27th- 47 minutes Cardio. 15 minutes Strength Training.

My depression affected me this week. Honestly I think a lot of it had to do with my diet. I ate too much fast food and too much junk. As much as my tastebuds crave the crap I used to eat, I need to realize it does far worse damage to my body. I'm back in the game this week as far as exercise and it's still been rocky on the nutrition side so I decided to hire and online coach/trainer. I will get in to this further when I start the program but basically I will be taught how and what to eat and have physical goals as far as exercise. I know somewhat what I'm in for and I know it will be difficult but 100% worth it. I'm excited to begin even more so on this journey. But overall there is progress showing. I put this picture together and was amazed at the change.

For help at the gym I got a handy-dandy helper. A Polar FT4 Heart Rate Monitor.

This thing is great. First, it tells me how many calories I burn during a workout. It is a much better guess-timate than the equipment plus I can see how many calories I burn while strength training. Second, it tells me if I'm "in the zone" or not. My zone for my age, weight, and height is between 124 to 164. It really helps to see if I'm slowing down and need to push harder. Finally, it gives me a great recap of my workout, my average heart rate and my maximum heart rate during. I love it and it truly helps.

Well I guess I should sign off and head to bed. Tomorrow will be an even better day and I'm looking forward to it.

push yourself

I'm really having hard time getting to the gym. Haven't been the last three days. It's not that I want to give up on my journey, by any means, I'm just feeling blah. Wednesday, my depression was bad. Thursday, I just didn't want to go, though I did walk the dogs a mile and a quarter. And today, well, I actually wanted to go but my feet were in ruins because my stupid butt wore my Minnetonka slippers for the dog walk the day before. I could barely walk at work, the pads of my feet killed. So what did I do tonight? Walk the dogs in flip-flops! What's wrong with me? See what happens is...First, I decide that I have to at least take the dogs for a walk since I didn't go to the gym. Then, when I'm on the walk I decide I need to jog some. Finally, I decide to keep going until I at least hit a mile.

(((By the way.... I use an app on my phone called "Map My Walk", it's apart of the Map My Fitness apps. It helps so I know how far I went and it guess-timates how many calories I burn. I love it.)))

So even though I did do something as far as movement, I need to go to the gym and push myself the next few days. I hope the pads of my feet aren't killing me tomorrow because they're just gonna have to hurt while I'm at the gym.

On a side note, I think I must be mentally nuts because I feel like a complete failure for not going to the gym these past few days. It's not like I want to give up, I just really get mad at myself for not pushing myself to go. I guess I'm afraid that I can't do this. That I can't lose 110 more pounds. I have a hard time believing in myself. I mean what if I fail? I know I shouldn't think like this, but these are the thoughts that creep in my mind.

mentally rough.

My depression has kicked in some and isn't helping me with the whole weight loss.

1. I'm not desiring going to the gym as much. I love the gym, I love the feeling...but getting there just sounds dreadful. Now do not get me wrong, besides today I have still been going to the gym but I haven't been excited about it. My depression makes it to where all I want to do is sleep and mope around. Today was even more rough because it was my day off and it was rainy/dreary outside. I ended up asking Andrew to come home from work early. Since he is and was able to without getting in trouble, he did. We took the dogs for a walk (thankfully the rain subsided momentarily) and it did make me feel better. Then we went to Petco, Target, Hy-vee, and Whole Foods (Trader Joe's closes at 9PM and we didn't make it in time) for healthy foods and necessities. It helped quite a bit getting out and not laying around. Grateful for him, he is always there for me and trying to help me with this process.

2. All I want to eat is crap. I want fast food and junk food and trying hard to sustain from it all but it's proven very, very difficult. I know the truth too, I know that your diet trumps exercise.

But my poor eating habits are slowly creeping back and it's affecting my weight loss. I'm still losing but way slower than I could be, and should be with all the exercise I've added. So I'm honestly considering seeing a nutritionist. I need to be more educated on what I should be eating, when, how...all of it. For me I believe I would follow a program or be better off with guidance by someone who knows all about nutrition. But I refuse to take any form of diet pills. I am doing this the old fashion way, with hard work and dedication.

3.

I really need to remember this. I'm focusing so much on results and it's honestly kinda bumming me out. I get mad that I've only lost a pound in a week when I work my butt off in the gym. Mad I only lost half an inch off my waist in two weeks but then lose an 1 3/4" off my chest? Makes me so annoyed! But why?? Honestly I'm still losing and I'm feeling better. Why do I not focus on how I feel than the results? I need to change my state of mind, for sure.

Well tomorrow is a new day. Time to move on, forget the past, focus on progress, and be happy.

Accomplished.

I had a great workout this morning. And I have a milestone, shaved 1:45 off my mile, down to 18:05 mile. YAY! SO proud of myself. And I'm feeling so good. I love working out.

But to recap my week.
M 14th- 63 minutes cardio, 30 minutes Strength training.
T 15th- 45 minutes cardio, 10 minutes Strength training.
W 16th- 40 minutes cardio, 30 minutes Strength training.
TH 17th- 25 minutes cardio.
F 18th- 40 minutes cardio.
SA 19th- 65 minutes cardio.
SU 20th- Easter day of rest.

I will have to fully agree with this statement. I overate, ate bad foods over Easter, and also ate after 10pm and it was terrible. But it's a new day and a fresh start. So I did my workout today and it is the best anti-depressant, BY FAR.

gym rat?

I cant begin to describe how true this is. Well, at least for me. If I don't workout I get antsy. Don't get me wrong, I have a day of rest, but I can't let it fully be. It's like I feel the fat packing on. On Thursday I was exhausted but it wasn't my scheduled "rest" day. I decided to go home and take a cat nap but the rest did no good. I chose to take the day off and workout the following morning. But as I sat on the couch I just felt like a lazy bum. So I went on Pinterest to look at the 'pins' on my Fitness board and decided to start a squat regimen: http://www.fitsugar.com/Printable-Squat-Challenge-31141646 and also did a Kettlebell workout. It felt good to do something, even just 10 minutes. But boy have my thighs felt those squats.

I also find it funny and well, just odd, when one of my coworkers tells me I'm turning into a 'gym rat'. Later in the day, during a rush at work, she mentioned to a client how she hasn't been working out much lately. So I turned around and said, "you can come to the gym with me after work." Her and another coworker looked at me like I was crazy, "you're working out after work? No thanks." I never would of thought that anyone would ever call me a 'gym rat'. While I still don't think I am, it makes me proud for sure.

I'm also thinking of taking some private yoga lessons with my friend, Rachel, whom is a certified yoga instructor. She assures me you can start yoga anytime but in my mind yoga is only for skinny people. I follow a few yogis on Instagram and love seeing the pictures and videos doing yoga. It's amazing and so inspiring.

oh the joys...

Didn't fall asleep til 4am. I thought working out would help my insomnia but it hasn't yet. I'm hopeful that it will eventually but I also did a workout after work at 8:30pm last night. Not a fan of the late evening workouts but you have to do what you have to do. So I woke up at noon, exhausted and just wanted to sleep all day. But I did that one day last week and my day off and it was terrible. After working out so hard, going back to a day off full of sleep and little movement, completely dragged me down. Why I have fallen in love with the gym, well working out, so much is because of how it makes me feel. I get done and I feel so good; like my depression (had depression since I was 16 years old) diminished. Any and all stress goes away. I have never felt so good. But today was rough.

First, very little sleep.

Second, I had a cheat meal.

Looks yummy, right? It was. Zucchini Supreme Pizza from a local pizzeria in town. I even ordered another slice of a Bianca Pie pizza and couldn't even get to it. I was full after that first slice which was surprising to me. I always have two slices of pizza at this pizzeria. I feel my stomach getting smaller and appetite changing. But that yummy slice of goodness destroyed me. My stomach was tore up, I was sluggish at the gym, and I wanted to leave after 10 minutes on the tredmill. Was it worth it? No, not really. I did however force myself to stay on the tredmill for 40 minutes and do some strength training. Not as much as I normally do but with the way I was feeling, I was proud of myself.

I'm also really joyful and feel utterly blessed at the amount of support I have...

From friends:

From my family: (my mom working out at the gym with me)

And from strangers!! (I commented on a picture that Jillian Michaels posted on her Facebook and was in shock by how many people "liked it" and replied to my comment with overwhelming support for me)

It really encourages me seeing all the support I have and shows me that I can do this. I have people rooting for me. It makes me feel wonderful.

A new me.

Here we go again. Trying to lose weight, eating healthy, and a "lifestyle" change.

Why is it different now?
How did it all start?

It's different because I'm not doing it for "looks" this time. Honestly, I have become content and a pretty confident obese person. I think I'm pretty, not drop dead gorgeous, but I don't look in the mirror and think I'm gross. How I got this confidence, I don't know, but I'm happy to have it. It's different because I am truly ready. My mind frame is completely different. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to have muscles. I want this. I wasn't ready before. But now I am.

So how did this all start? Well there are kind of two different beginnings. At the end of February I went to Texas to visit my oldest brother Mike, my niece Hazel, and my sister-in-law (not technically but she is in my heart) Rikki. They live this active and healthy, green, organic lifestyle. It was just so awe-inspiring to see. They don't live a lazy lifestyle, they don't even have a TV (they do use their computer monitor to watch shows online, but still NO TV!)! And they eat so well, not perfect, but mainly organic and fresh. Not 100% my thing, there are a lot of veggies that I'm iffy about. But as I said, it was so awe-inspiring and different from my lazy, fast food, junk food lifestyle.

Skip forward to the day after I arrived back home to Omaha, March 4, 2014. I had a regular check-up with my doctor, annual exam ladies (yuck). What's the first crappy thing that happens at the doctor? You get weighed. Imagine my shock when I stepped on the scale and I lost 6 pounds....after a FIVE DAY VACATION! You don't LOSE weight on vacation, you GAIN weight! We went to amazing restaurants and had fabulous food, and I lost 6 pounds. Think, think. How is that possible? Well I didn't snack. I couldn't snack. There was nothing there to snack on. No greasy chips in my brother's house. No ice cream. No leftover cold pizza. No chocolate or candy. None of that. So I didn't snack all day long. And I also didn't need to or really feel the want to because I had these healthy (somewhat) and satisfying meals that filled me up. I also didn't eat late at night. I didn't wake up and go to the fridge and grab something to eat. Why? Because most of the time we did so much walking or activity that I was pretty tired and also there were, again, no snacks to snack on.

So here I am at the doctor's office. Waiting. Nurse asks, why are you here? Annual exam, yearly refills on my anti-depressants, to check-up on how my Pre-hypertension is, and a non-stop reoccurring yeast infection (TMI, I know).

Results...

Well ends up that yeast infection that won't go away...well that most likely because of sugars...and I'm most likely pre-diabetic. According to my lab work done a year ago my sugar was slightly elevated. Okay, Pre-diabetic is NOT good. AT ALL.

And well, that pre-hypertension isn't looking like it's "pre" anymore. It's getting to be time to be put on high blood pressure meds. NO, NO, NO. Once you get on high blood pressure meds you virtually never get off them. Even if it was controlled by diet and exercise they still make you take these water pills. No thanks.

Oh and by the way, that lab work we did last year, your cholesterol was also elevated (what...why wasn't I informed) so I'm afraid if you continue on the path you're on we'll have to put you on medication for your cholesterol too.

Doctor's words......"Holly, you're on a slippery slope here. Pre-diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol. We're gonna have to medicate you soon for these. But I think it's time. You're almost 30. This is the prime time for you to do something about this. I don't think you want to be on more meds and I don't want to put you on more meds. It's time to get to working and lose some weight. Otherwise you're going downhill and it's just going to get harder."

Wow. Wow. Wow. Amen, sister. You got me. You got me right in the gut. And it's all true. I had nothing to even come back at her with but, "you're right." And don't for one minute think this doctor was too harsh or mean. She has been my doctor since I was 9, for 20 years!! I wouldn't trust any other doctor as much as her. She knows the personal, deep down stuff about me. And she has always known me as obese, even at 9.

So it's time. I've always told myself, for several years..."If my weight affects my health, then it's time to lose it." So it's time. This is why it's different. This is why I'm ready.

16 pounds down from March 4th.
22 pounds down overall.
110 pounds to go.