racing.

I feel like my mind has been racing a thousand miles per minute. I think I might of hit the point of overwhelming exhaustion. I just feel boggled down, not stressed. I handle things much better than I used to since I know how to handle my depression MUCH better. Let's just say my worst day now is about 100 times better than my best day then. This past year has really been overwhelmingly good. I never want to go back to my old life, God has really transformed me.

And Lord, as time goes by, I will be by your side
Cause I never want to go back to my old life.

Anyways, I decided to start updating my blog again...I love writing and I think I need this form of an outlet. And today I just need to let some emotions out, for myself.

Lately I have felt like such a failure. It's so frustrating; I feel like I work my butt off and don't see any results. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, or just letting myself be attacked...I'm not quite sure. I'm letting things get me down and I need to stop and just breathe.

I feel like I'm failing financially...my rent is due on Friday, I don't get paid till NEXT Thursday and I'm short almost $100, I can't even get groceries so I'm bound to tuna and some cooking creations. I just don't get it. I bust my ass off outside of work doing hair so I can make extra money, sold a painting, I try to stay conscious of what I buy or rather don't buy, I can barely pay my bills. By the grace of God I've somehow managed. Honestly if it weren't for my prayers to God and God himself I don't think I could financially survive. Somehow and I have no idea how I always make it work but from the 20th to the 5th of every month I'm in constant worry and prayer to get my rent paid. It's always on my mind. I just feel like I've failed. I'm doing something I absolutely love and I can't fully be happy about it because I'm in a state of worry. I know so many people have it way worse than me, and I will just continue to pray. I need to just surrender this but it's hard with the time ticking.

I feel like I'm failing myself too. I can't seem to stay of track with my lifestyle change. I lost 20 lbs, prolly gained half of it back. I do so well then get off course. How can I want something so incredibly bad yet not make it happen? I need to lose weight or I'm gonna end up with health issues and die earlier than I should. I know it's dangerous, I know what to do to make it happen but I have no self-motivation. I'm failing.

I'm also frustrated about being single. Over the past few months I have gained this strong urge to be a wife. I used to question if I was marriage material and if marriage was something I wanted for myself. Now I feel like it's hit me like a ton of bricks and I know I want marriage. Now this doesn't mean I'm going to find someone and just up and marry them. I want love, over-pouring love. I don't want to settle. But there is no one. I can't even find a guy I want to date, let alone consider a serious relationship with. I have prayed and prayed to God to give me a good man. I strongly believe God knows the desires of my heart and He will give me this but I'm to the point where I keep thinking, "God are you listening? Where is he God? Why aren't you giving him to me?" Am I failing you Lord? Is there something You want me to do? What is it God? My amazing friend Alicia told me that she didn't want this to be an unneeded stress for me and that I should keep praying, and she is right. I need to relax. This is an unneeded stress. I have work and school and I need to concentrate of me. But it is so hard when I want this so bad. But I should listen to Alicia, God will make this happen in his timing.

I think I just need to listen to God. I know He has me covered. I just don't want to fail Him, or fail me. I just keep wondering what my purpose in life is...