7.24.2008
7.13.2008
the God-loving man and the drug-loving man
i just don't get addiction.
i don't get how someone could be so addicted to something that they fail to live life, the fail to survive and just float in this constant state of intoxication.
i love him, i loved him from day one. not that head over heels, love at first site kind of thing...it was more of a click, a bond. i immediately cared to him and his friendship meant the world to me. and no matter what he felt, i always felt something for him.
i moved away to save myself. i moved away to start a new life and to feel alive again, and that is exactly what i did. i could of fallen into addiction. i had the anti-depressants and the anti-anxiety pills but i never once thought of abusing it.
months after i left we reconnected and he was still the same amazing guy that always thought he was less than great. but i saw something in him. i'd like to say i saw "him." I saw beyond his pain, beyond his problems and saw him for who he was.
this and that happened, life got busy, physical distance got the best of us and we didn't talk for a bit. then i discovered him and his drugs...and it ripped me apart. how could such a God-loving man, a man who helped show me God and how to be a better person suddenly turn into a snorting, smoking, user. the universe seemed out of place. but i stayed around him, i held out to be his friend....a sober friend. it got hard for me and at the time i wasn't strong enough to handle my life and his. so i strayed and when i came back he was clean.
CLEAN...he was him again. we talked about God, we talked about everything a friend could talk about. i remember being at a playground for four hours and having the most amazing conversation i had ever had with anyone...and it was with him. i felt free because he was free. free from the drugs and what for what i thought he was free from his pain. but 6 months of freedom was all he could carry.
now we are back to the user. he doesn't have a job, he doesn't know how to keep a job because the drugs won't let him. and he won't let himself be away from the drugs for too long. he steals, he tears his family's hearts to pieces, and it's so not him. and it rips me apart. i love him. i love HIM. and through all of the ups and down, the good and bad, the God-loving man and the drug-loving man....i still see him and who he could be. I asked him tonight why he does it, why he uses...he said "for fun. to escape. to change my perception of reality." and when i ask him how he handles knowing he is hurting the people around him, he said "i don't really care anymore." and my heart just broke again, partially because i know he does care. this is not the guy i know, and i don't know how to help him. and i'm scared and lost. so all i do is be his friend...and i don't know if that's good enough anymore.
i don't get how someone could be so addicted to something that they fail to live life, the fail to survive and just float in this constant state of intoxication.
i love him, i loved him from day one. not that head over heels, love at first site kind of thing...it was more of a click, a bond. i immediately cared to him and his friendship meant the world to me. and no matter what he felt, i always felt something for him.
i moved away to save myself. i moved away to start a new life and to feel alive again, and that is exactly what i did. i could of fallen into addiction. i had the anti-depressants and the anti-anxiety pills but i never once thought of abusing it.
months after i left we reconnected and he was still the same amazing guy that always thought he was less than great. but i saw something in him. i'd like to say i saw "him." I saw beyond his pain, beyond his problems and saw him for who he was.
this and that happened, life got busy, physical distance got the best of us and we didn't talk for a bit. then i discovered him and his drugs...and it ripped me apart. how could such a God-loving man, a man who helped show me God and how to be a better person suddenly turn into a snorting, smoking, user. the universe seemed out of place. but i stayed around him, i held out to be his friend....a sober friend. it got hard for me and at the time i wasn't strong enough to handle my life and his. so i strayed and when i came back he was clean.
CLEAN...he was him again. we talked about God, we talked about everything a friend could talk about. i remember being at a playground for four hours and having the most amazing conversation i had ever had with anyone...and it was with him. i felt free because he was free. free from the drugs and what for what i thought he was free from his pain. but 6 months of freedom was all he could carry.
now we are back to the user. he doesn't have a job, he doesn't know how to keep a job because the drugs won't let him. and he won't let himself be away from the drugs for too long. he steals, he tears his family's hearts to pieces, and it's so not him. and it rips me apart. i love him. i love HIM. and through all of the ups and down, the good and bad, the God-loving man and the drug-loving man....i still see him and who he could be. I asked him tonight why he does it, why he uses...he said "for fun. to escape. to change my perception of reality." and when i ask him how he handles knowing he is hurting the people around him, he said "i don't really care anymore." and my heart just broke again, partially because i know he does care. this is not the guy i know, and i don't know how to help him. and i'm scared and lost. so all i do is be his friend...and i don't know if that's good enough anymore.
7.10.2008
writing helps
i've been really tired, which causes me some stress...so i need something to let my frustration out.
this is the kind of old thing brought back, livejournal used to clear my mind so much. good times than.
but i actually kind of miss posting usless rambles and such. so here i am. don't know how much i'll use this, but i'll give it another try.
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