prove it.

Why don't I feel worthy?
Why do I feel like an utter failure?
Why do I beat myself up over and over again?
Why can't I believe in myself?


I've been depressed, I've been suicidal in the past...so I want to make it clear that these feelings have not arose. I'm still very happy to be alive and I'm in a better mental state than I've ever been before. I'm happier than I've ever been before. But I still don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like I don't deserve love or to be healthy, fit and happy. If someone would of told me that this battle with my weight would be more mental than physical I don't know if I would of chose to do it. But it's time for these demons to come out and for these demons to go away for good. I have had a losing battle with self-worth since I was nine years old.

I want to make it clear that I do not feel like my childhood was terrible. I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and love from a terrific mother and occasionally from my father. But the mental and emotional abuse I got from him is still a struggle I deal with 20 years after it started and 11 years after it ended. Eleven years ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it was also the first time I ever recall him telling me he loved me. Before that he told me he hated me, that he wished he never had me, told me I was a mistake, and I was called stupid on a daily basis. My friend Leslie has asked me several times where I get my strength, aka " my balls", from. Truth is by age eleven I realized that most kid's fathers didn't treat them the way I was treated, so I learned to stand up for myself. I stood up for myself because I knew he shouldn't of been treating me that way. I will say I was never beaten, he never even laid a finger on me. We did have moments where we got along, typically sitting in front of a tv in silence. This is why I say I don't feel like my life was bad, because it could of been much worse. But getting a daily dose of being told you're stupid and not worthy has caused much pain and been a mental battle for me for years.

I've been able to forgive him. I know that he was a good man, just not really a good dad. I can see the past in how he was raised and know where it came from. I realize that our parents are human beings doing the best they can do. I've been able to banish the bitter and hatred and anger I had towards him...so why can't I get rid of feeling I'm unworthy?

I told someone tonight that my fear I have through this weight loss journey is that I often think I am just doomed to be fat, and I will always be fat no matter what. But why? Why do I feel this way? I love the gym, I kick ass at the gym. And yes I struggle with my food addiction but I'm educated on what to do. So seriously what is holding me back? I'm holding myself back. My mind is holding me back. I have these thoughts on a daily basis...you're not worth it...You'll never be fit...Go eat whatever you want because you can't do this....You're not good enough. I am so sick of all the negativity!! I shouldn't give in to how my father felt about me. I want to learn to love myself. I want to learn to feel worthy.

Most importantly, I need to prove this to myself. Not my friends, not my family, not to any one but myself.

homework.

So I'll be starting something new. My coach, Brooke, gave me some homework: "As far as the binging goes I want you to start writing every time you binge in your blog about how you feel before and after. When you have the temptations I want you to write how you're feeling at that time and why you want to. After if you can't resist and choose to indulge, I want you to write how you're feeling. I want you to refer to that before/after every time you have temptations."

So tonight I had a temptation.
I was was having stomach issues all day, but ended up okay by the end of the day. I stopped at the grocery store but there is a Taco Johns right by. I sat there in my car thinking about it. Even looked it up on MyFitnessPal to see if it could fall in to my Macros. I even found myself almost at the drive-thru but I drove off. I thought, NO, I can't have fast food.

So how was a feeling:
Tired.
Why I wanted the food:
Didn't want to go home and make dinner, so fast and easy.
Been craving tacos.
How I feel about not indulging:
Proud of myself.
Glad I didn't do it. I know it would of messed up my stomach and hurt my progress.

One baby step closer to getting rid of this food addiction.

transparency...

Okay so time for me to be transparent...

These last few days have been very rough for me. Between being financially stressed, not knowing where my relationship is with Andrew, PMS-ing, etc. I went overboard. On top of it, I have the privilege of "floating" between a few locations within my salon's company. The issue is some of the locations offer a lot of temptations: Free soda at a food place next door, coworkers offering me their food they can't finish (like ice cream, french fries), coworkers ordering food and me obliging....it's not their fault, by far, because they are trying to be nice but I'm an addict.

Hello, my name is Holly and I'm addicted to food.

I knew this journey would would be rough but man I had no clue. Yesterday I binged badly, went WELL over my macros (proteins, carbs, fat grams). So I thought okay, I will get over today's struggle and tomorrow will be a new day. Well we had a company get together at a baseball game and the food, OI, all the food. I thought I could handle it. I planned to eat there in my daily meal planning and figured I'd be okay. But one burger turned in to one and a half, funnel cakes were everywhere, cookies galore, and I couldn't stop myself! So what happens? I feel like an utter failure. Now I'm scared I can't do this. Scared I will slip in to my old ways and continue on with this vicious cycle. I know I can and I will win this battle but it's mentally draining working through the process. I have to remind myself that this is a lengthy process. I figured it would take me two years to hit my goal weight. I've only been on this journey for three months and it's only week two being a LP3 teammate and I want this so bad. I guess I need to constantly remind myself of what my coach said to me, "Kick that voice that tells you you're not worthy in the ass (sorry I'm a little pumped up about it for you) and run over it. You are worthy of being the best you that you can be and it's only a matter of time. Don't listen again to that voice, tell yourself opposite and do opposite of what you feel like doing basically." Yea...she's right....I'm gonna do that.

FYI: Prayer for my health and mentality is always welcomed. Thanks.

I'm LP3

Well it's been 11 days since I've updated. Don't get me wrong, I'm still on my journey but it's getting harder. Some lack of motivation here and there but I refuse to stop. So let's recap.

M 5th- 30 min Cardio. 31 min Strength.
T 6th- rest day.
W 7th- 53 min Cardio. 46 min Strength.
TH 8th- my back KILLED me from the workout on Wednesday plus I worked 11 hours so took the day off.
F 9th- work was busy and my body still wasn't feeling it so I skipped.
S 10th- 55 min Cardio. 35 min Strength.
SU 11th- skipped workout, no excuse.

So overall not bad...not 100% but still better than two months ago. Oh and I finally weighed myself. I was terrified since I haven't been 100% on my game. I actually went to weigh myself and ran away from the scale but Andrew made me do it. Guess what? I lost 5 more pounds! Hooray!! I was shocked, really shocked. I didn't even do my best and I still had a great loss. So is this working? I think so. It also made me realize that I need to not be so hard on myself when I have a lapse. As long as I get back up and get back to it, that's what's important. Like I said, I'm still doing a lot more than I was two/three months ago. So I need to not beat myself up.

Okay, so now I want to get to this week. I know the week isn't over but it's been an different week.
First off, I'm going to admit it.
Monday the 12th- Wednesday the 14th, nadda. I ate bad, I ate fast food, I drank more pop, and didn't work out. But there was a reason, not a good reason and not an excuse by any means, but still in my mind it made some irrational sense. Remember in some posts back I said I was joining an online fitness community with an online coach/trainer? Well I got my plan- nutritional and fitness plans on Thursday the 15th. I've been waiting and waiting for two weeks and the 15th finally arrived. So from the 12th through the 14th I kept saying, these are my last days! My last days to say goodbye to fast food (well, maybe fast food once a month but not on a weekly basis), my last days of pop (I think I will let myself have one or two a week, but not a jumbo pop), my last days of uber greasy food and super sweets (except on occasion). I felt like I was having my "last meal" or "last meal(s)." So like I said, not a good excuse but it's time to get on the ball. Time to start doing meal plans, cook delicious yet healthy meals, and focus. I won't go too much in to the plan since these plans are customized just for me. Basically, they took in to account everything, from height and weight, to my job profession, to my health issues, and my overall goals. I will focus on my Macronutrients, strength training 5 days a week, cardio 3 days a week, and core workouts 2 days a week. And the plan will be updated every two weeks or at least monthly. I'm really excited to be apart of this group, the coaches are amazing people and the people in the community are so supportive! So I'm officially an LP3 Team member!! The LP stands for the LEDBetter Project and the 3 stands for body, mind and soul. "To “Ledbetter” is to Live, Love, and Learn Every Day Better than the last and to strive for daily improvements of the body, mind, and soul." Feel free to go to their website and look at their mission or I guess now, MY mission. http://www.ledbetterinc.com/

So now it's on!! The fire under my butt is even hotter and I'm beyond excited.


28 pounds down overall.
104-114 pounds to go.

take your medicine.

Well it's that time to "wrap up the week" and start a new one. I can easily wrap up this week because I did terrible

M- didn't go to gym because it was my gym day off since I worked 10 hours.
T- 30 minutes Cardio. 30 minutes Strength training.
W, TH, F, S, SU- Skipped gym, Lazy.

So as far as my 45 minutes-hour at the gym, six days a week...I did one day. Awful. And you know what, I feel awful. I feel like a failure. I feel depressed. I feel disappointed and ashamed. But why? Wasn't one day a week more than I did before? Yes. I let my hormones (on my period this past week(sorry tmi)) and depression get me down. I think I need to approach this differently. I think I need to start looking at the gym as medication. I take all my medications

every night, and so should I "take on" the gym. Exercising has been the best anti-depressant I have ever taken. The endorphins I get from working out really started to change my life. So this journey is not over...it's just a minor setback. And it's my first set back, I'm sure there is more to come, so I need to stop beating myself up. It's not making me feel any better, and beating myself up is how I got to 302 pounds in the first place.

I will admit, I have some of the best friends a person could ask for. Unfortunately we are all busy with our lives or live far away from each other, but I'm grateful for the bond and support I have. I don't think I would of even made it two months without all the people supporting me and rooting for me. A lot of people have told me I inspire them, can't say I quite get that because I feel like I've done nothing, but I hope someday I will.

This week will be different. I will "take my medicine," by going to the gym. I also set up a meal plan and went grocery shopping. I will not be defeated, but I will defeat the weight.

keep on keeping on.

It's very early Wednesday morning and realized I never posted how I did last week. And maybe I didn't because I didn't do too well. Though I need to remind myself that it is way more than I did a month ago.

M 21st- Milestone: Got my mile down from 19:40 minutes to 18:05 minutes!
55 minutes Cardio.
T 22nd- 50 minutes Cardio.
W 23rd- Skipped gym. 15 minutes dog walk.
TH 24th- Skipped gym. 27 minutes dog walk.
F 25th- Skipped gym. 20 minutes dog walk.
S 26th- 1 hour 17 minutes Cardio.
SU 27th- 47 minutes Cardio. 15 minutes Strength Training.

My depression affected me this week. Honestly I think a lot of it had to do with my diet. I ate too much fast food and too much junk. As much as my tastebuds crave the crap I used to eat, I need to realize it does far worse damage to my body. I'm back in the game this week as far as exercise and it's still been rocky on the nutrition side so I decided to hire and online coach/trainer. I will get in to this further when I start the program but basically I will be taught how and what to eat and have physical goals as far as exercise. I know somewhat what I'm in for and I know it will be difficult but 100% worth it. I'm excited to begin even more so on this journey. But overall there is progress showing. I put this picture together and was amazed at the change.

For help at the gym I got a handy-dandy helper. A Polar FT4 Heart Rate Monitor.

This thing is great. First, it tells me how many calories I burn during a workout. It is a much better guess-timate than the equipment plus I can see how many calories I burn while strength training. Second, it tells me if I'm "in the zone" or not. My zone for my age, weight, and height is between 124 to 164. It really helps to see if I'm slowing down and need to push harder. Finally, it gives me a great recap of my workout, my average heart rate and my maximum heart rate during. I love it and it truly helps.

Well I guess I should sign off and head to bed. Tomorrow will be an even better day and I'm looking forward to it.

push yourself

I'm really having hard time getting to the gym. Haven't been the last three days. It's not that I want to give up on my journey, by any means, I'm just feeling blah. Wednesday, my depression was bad. Thursday, I just didn't want to go, though I did walk the dogs a mile and a quarter. And today, well, I actually wanted to go but my feet were in ruins because my stupid butt wore my Minnetonka slippers for the dog walk the day before. I could barely walk at work, the pads of my feet killed. So what did I do tonight? Walk the dogs in flip-flops! What's wrong with me? See what happens is...First, I decide that I have to at least take the dogs for a walk since I didn't go to the gym. Then, when I'm on the walk I decide I need to jog some. Finally, I decide to keep going until I at least hit a mile.

(((By the way.... I use an app on my phone called "Map My Walk", it's apart of the Map My Fitness apps. It helps so I know how far I went and it guess-timates how many calories I burn. I love it.)))

So even though I did do something as far as movement, I need to go to the gym and push myself the next few days. I hope the pads of my feet aren't killing me tomorrow because they're just gonna have to hurt while I'm at the gym.

On a side note, I think I must be mentally nuts because I feel like a complete failure for not going to the gym these past few days. It's not like I want to give up, I just really get mad at myself for not pushing myself to go. I guess I'm afraid that I can't do this. That I can't lose 110 more pounds. I have a hard time believing in myself. I mean what if I fail? I know I shouldn't think like this, but these are the thoughts that creep in my mind.